Late-Night Comics Take Aim At Trump's Latest 'Gold Card' Immigration Program

Television's leading comedians spent their broadcast mocking former President Donald Trump's just launched immigration program, called the "golden visa," describing it as a clear cash-for-residency scheme for the wealthy.

Stephen Colbert's Witty Take

Opening his broadcast, Stephen Colbert presented a sardonic holiday tune directed at the commander-in-chief. "He's compiling a list, reviewing it twice, and then giving that list to the people at ICE," he crooned. "The President ... destroys each thing he handles."

The subject was the new initiative which allows overseas citizens to acquire U.S. legal status for a sum of a million dollars, or "premium" version for $5 million. A government portal guarantees processing "in record time."

"A quick thought here to affluent immigrants: prior to you pony up, have you considered Canada?" Colbert quipped.

He explained that the program is also designed to "get cash" from firms wishing to hire foreign workers, with large fees. "That's a lot of fees, however if you enroll, you additionally get a complimentary stay at a hotel of your choosing – provided that it's the that one hotel," he continued.

"The most thorough background check the U.S. government has ever done," remarked Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "a $15,000 vetting to make sure these applicants completely qualify to be in America."

"That's important, you have to prove you're fit to be an American," Colbert responded. "The initial query: how many burgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"

Jimmy Kimmel's Blistering Roast

On his own show, Jimmy Kimmel dubbed the initiative the "U.S. Access Express Card."

"It's a card that will let affluent international individuals to live here," he said. "For a million dollars, you get legal visitor status, you get a road to citizenship, and a president's pardon for one significant crime of your choice."

"It might be time to change that poem on the Statue of Liberty – never mind your poor masses. Give us a million bucks, you're in!" he remarked.

Kimmel lampooned the brevity of the application, observing it is "harder to start a Wordle account." He said that Trump "sees citizenship is something you can sell, like a timeshare."

"That's right, the best people are the rich people," Kimmel said. "That's what Jesus constantly said! Read it in the Bible. He says it's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle if you give the needle a million dollars."

Seth Meyers covering Grocery Struggles

On another network, Seth Meyers addressed Trump's declining approval ratings amid financial anxiety. "Voters gave Donald Trump a second term because they were upset about the economy," he explained.

This week, in a bid to discuss prices, Trump conducted a briefing in front of a array of food items, where he behaved peculiarly to some cereal.

"These look great, I think I'm going to take a few of them with me to my home and have a lot of fun," Trump remarked. "Such as the Cheerios, I haven't seen Cheerios in a while."

"He is so incredibly weird," Meyers said. "What do you mean, you're going to take them back to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What are you gonna do with those Cheerios?"

Meyers wrapped up by targeting right-leaning media defenses of Trump's economic record. "Perhaps instead of voicing concerns, you should give him a sparkling trophy like what FIFA did," he laughed.