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For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve long felt that good manners is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my personal and work life. It frustrates my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety.

Presenting and Asking Questions

This constant saying sorry is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay concise and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through facing fears, such as leading sessions and compelling myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing setbacks from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I doubt I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve heard that therapy might assist me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Understanding the Roots

A psychotherapist might explore where this habit comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or adopted from someone close to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once benefited us become maladaptive in adulthood.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You realize it annoys those around you, yet you continue it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about self-reflection, not just problem-solving. A skilled therapist will supportively question you, offering a safe space to examine and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a supportive guide might be more helpful. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and undermine yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing deep-seated habits is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid discomfort or exposure, by recognizing perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a cycle of irritation and worry.

Even processing later can be useful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel understood without you taking blame.

This process will take persistence, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward improvement.